Issue 1, March 6th 2009

Print Is Over

Possible taglines: "If you want it." "America's other magazine." "Home of your intellectual betters." "As noted in The New York Times." "More self-aware than Dave Eggers on some kind of awareness-expanding drug. Mushrooms, perhaps?" "The leading cause of pregnancy." "Like a drum circle, but with words." "Because YOU demanded donuts, but all we had was this."

I hope they come up with a product that makes consumerism more fulfilling.

Hollywood loves to make movies out of comic books, so it's only a matter of time before we finally get to see Disney's "Maus."

I've tried very hard to write a joke that doesn't offend anybody, but it's just impossible. I blame the gays.

If you're reading this, then my note has escaped the attention of my captors. Please help me. I am being kept in an extremely small cell with very little water and only this pirated copy of Dreamweaver for company. I am told that soon I will out live my usefulness and be disposed of. So please, come ON DOWN TO MIKE'S USED AUTOS ON LOT 86, AND PICK UP A HIGH QUALITY VEHICLE FOR A LOW, LOW PRICE TODAY!

My favorite Bruce Willis movie is the one I filmed at home and gave all my friends parts in. You'd think they'd be more appreciative, but it's all "broken collarbone" this and "lawsuit" that. I guess that's actors for ya!

It's probably a good thing the dinosaurs died, because I bet after Pangea broke up they missed that sense of closeness.

The three best things about Christmas are the free bike the kid rides up to your house, the free boxing practice he gives you, and the free ride in the police car.

It seems increasingly likely that Nikola Tesla did not die, but rather converted himself into pure energy. Then again, I could be biased -- I'm a huge fan of Tesla, and also I'm really, really drunk.

“Actually, Jay, I’m here to talk about my new movie. It’s along the lines of ‘Epic Movie,’ ‘Scary Movie,’ and ‘Not Another Teen Movie.’ It’s called ‘Terrible Movie’ and it is basically all those other movies played together, but with Vin Diesel singing ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ over the top.”

All my plans for a heist pretty much rely on everyone oversleeping by, like, nine hours.

Sasha and Malia find that the worst thing about your dad being President is that all his scary stories are about the NASDAQ.

Dear Print Is Over, I have just read your debut issue and was highly offended at the piece on page three. As a former kidnap victim, and member of Amnesty International, I desire nothing less than to sit down to be entertained by your website and instead be greeted by a reminder of my trauma. Why on Earth WON'T YOU COME ON DOWN TO MIKE'S? CHEVYS, CAMRYS, CADILLACS, WE'VE GOT 'EM ALL AND WE'VE GOT 'EM CHEAP!

I don't get why people say women can't be funny. Women can be hilarious! Take, for instance, when my wife left me -- what a great prank! And she's really committed to the joke, too. Hasn't broken character in years.

Swedish committee scraps peace; announces Nobel Prize for Sustainable Ceasefire.

I know there's a lot of messed-up stuff in the Bible, but Noah doing that Titanic, "I'm the king of the world" thing was really in poor taste.

I pray every day for a world that'll let me be both free from yeast infections and able to enjoy a vibrating PB&J sandwich.

Mike's Used Autos would like to make it very clear that they absolutely abhor post-modern humor, and that they signed off on a torture piece, not a self-indulgent riff on commercialism. They're so upset about this whole thing, they're slashing prices. That's right, slashing prices. So come on down today, except don't, because "Mike's Used Autos" doesn't exist.

President pledges to raise education standards to save powerful frame lobby from a nation unwilling to treasure its diplomas.

If global warming was real, wouldn't God have said something?

I have this great idea for an action movie set on a train. Basically we follow the ticket inspector as he fights off a bunch of ninjas, but he says train-based puns while he does it. Like, he punches a guy and says “your ticket’s been punched,” or he hits another guy and says “end of the line,” or he pushes yet another guy (there are lots of guys) out the door and says “mind the gap.” These are all train things. Anyway, it ends with the track buckling and the train getting derailed, because the railways are old and underfunded.

Fact: many of Law and Order's courtroom extras are former Soviet show-trial participants.

White people: Are they running out of things to appropriate?

It's a lie of omission, in that I omitted the fact that I was lying.

Someone needs to tell that Make-A-Wish kid that he can't spend the day with Batman. Dude's busy.

I always tell the debt collection agency that I can't deal with them because I'm currently dealing with them. That probably sends them into a spiral of doubt and uncertainty as to the nature of existence and their place in a neverending cascade of alternate universes, although I can't be sure because by the time they've started responding I'm usually in the corner huffing paint.

It's probably a good thing humans don't hibernate, because sweeps month would be devastated.

I thought my spam filter was pretty good, but then I got an email from my mom.

We’re having a revolution... on sofa prices! Also a real revolution. Please mind the blood.

Looking for a new sofa, couch, chaise lounge, or footstool? Why not check out the latest in quality furnishings, and watch a public execution while you’re at it?

(We take no responsibility for any and all stains that may find their way onto your clothing. This includes, but is not limited to: blood; vomit; urine; excrement; furniture polish.)

We’ve got tables! We’ve got chairs! We’ve got a fully operational, authentic French guillotine and a newly deposed king waiting to try it out for the viewing pleasure of the first one hundred customers.

Worried about the kids missing out on all the fun? Don’t fret, we’ll let them have cake!

Hurry on down to the store, as these prices — and this transitional government — can’t last long! Also, don’t bring any bread, because the peasants will take it from you!

It's important to wake up early in the morning. And then go to sleep again. And then wake up, and then sleep once more. Do this enough times, and maybe you'll be so drowsy that you won't spend your unemployment check all at once.

We never dissected frogs in my high school, because we weren't animals. Or we didn't have animals. Yeah, that makes more sense.

We're only ever one Republican president away from privatizing the Federal Trade Commission.

Parenting advice from the future.

Look, your kids are going to start messing around with dirty bombs -- that's just a fact. Better that they do it at home, where you can keep an eye on them. And then later die as a family.